Halfway House

The reason for my long period of nothingness is because I've semi-moved to Tumblr (mostly photos, but a few other things too) and have a book & movie blog with some friends.

Tumblr: http://pixiemegh.tumblr.com/
Books: http://friendsfictionfilms.wordpress.com/

Come join me! I still will post here occasionally, but I'm a little more active on the other 2.

I want to be the bigger person

I gave a lesson on forgiveness today to the teenage girls at church. In preparing for the lesson it made me realize I need to work on it myself, especially one person I have in mind.  This person I have not spoken to in several years now, but was once a big part of my life.  Our final falling out was dramatic and ugly and painful.  She said some really hurtful things.  I'm sure she felt judged, embarrassed and alone at the time.  I was just hurt that the circumstances that got us to that point were not honest and open.  I'm still hurt by that.  I'm hurt that she took a decision that should have been mine to make away from me and just decided that she knew what I'd have done/said anyway.  She may have been right, I may have surprised her; the point is now, we'll never know and now there's a chasm filled with ugly, hurtful words and feelings between us.

There are days still that I miss her terribly.  There's a hole in my heart that no one will be able to fill but her.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should 
hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the 
older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

- Mary Schmich 

I'm not ready to forgive yet, but I'm now willing to work to get myself there.

Mother Rant

Today is a day to reflect upon mothers. I have one. I'm fortunate to have had one that loved me very much and I never doubted it. I was also very fortunate to have her home with me in my younger years (not so for all of my siblings, but I was the oldest, and that's one of the pay-offs for being the guinea pig child) and when she went back to work she worked at a school so I still saw her all the time at home. I love my mom. Every day I see more and more how much she's impacted my life. Especially when Matt says things like "OK Ruth" to me. I'm her daughter in more ways than I could have understood as a teen. She raised me the best way that she knew how and I'm grateful for her love and sacrifices for me and my siblings over the years.

There's also a hard part of Mother's day for me. I'm LDS, will be 30 this year and married for almost 10 years. This makes me a bad person because I have no children. No one says it. No one hints directly to it, but it's the unspoken rule about being Mormon. No one asks WHY my husband and I don't have kids. They just ask when we're going to start. This is a REALLY personal question to be asking. This is when I feel like saying things like "we can't seem to figure out how, can you come over and teach us?" What? Why can't I say that? Because it's rude? So is asking me about starting a family. I started one when I married my husband in 2002.

I hate going to church on Mother's day. I love my religion, I love my congregation, I love my mother. I hate Mother's day at church. They have the kids get up and sing a song to their mothers (fine, and cute actually). They have speakers get up and talk about mothers, or being a mother (a little painful on the 2nd item, but I'm still OK). Then we have the closing hymn and prayers and this is where the torture starts. As a child, they used to have all the mothers stand up and the teenage girls would walk in with a flowerpot or chocolate or some small token to hand out to all the women standing. Then they'd make a contest in jest about the oldest mother, the newest mother, the mother with the most children etc. All that has been changed to "all women 18+" to stand because we're ALL mothers to children around us.

Guess what. I find the whole ritual insulting and painful. A person's relationship with their mother is a sacred, personal thing and shouldn't be paraded around. I'm not a mother to anyone in that room. No child on this earth calls me Mommy. Some days I wonder if anyone ever will, but at least I have my husband by my side to take that pain with me. There are many women in the church that never get married, or do so very late in life that having children isn't an option anymore. There are many women in the church that CAN'T for one reason or another have children. Are we lesser people? No. Stop insulting us. It's hard enough being in a faith that puts so much emphasis on having a family, and not "having one." I do have one. It's composed of 2 people. We may not be perfect, and may or may not grow in number, but it's the one I've chosen and love. I have a large extended family full of people, including children, that love me. I have children of good friends to be around. Those kids, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I love them and am thankful for them being in my life everyday.

But I'm still not their mother.

Alice I Have Been- Book #10

I've mentioned before that I'm an Alice in Wonderland fan. I've always loved the books, but the last several years has expanded my ability to kick my interest into borderline obsession. Isn't the internet great? Because of Netflix, I can now rent/stream film & TV adaptations that were hard to come by years ago. I can read fan fiction comics written by other fans- and their subsequent fandom. i can read reviews and easily access info on books and get them at the library or buy them. I can look at party, costume and collectible ideas. Crafting, photography, art. It's all at my fingertips.

I can't deny the excitement I felt when I first heard about Tim Burton's film long before it hit the theaters. I LOVED the SyFy channel's recent visit to Wonderland too.

I first heard the "darker side" of this story's legacy when I took a children's list class at Cerritos. I had to buy a copy of Gardner's Annotated Alice for the class and read the articles about dear Mr. Dodson and it broke my heart. How upsetting that a man by all means was a minor hear in my nerdasphere was so... icky. My only consolation was that it was a VERY long time ago and he wasn't benefiting from my patronage.

AS the years have gone by, I've read conflicting accounts and evaluations of the man. I prefer to choose to believe the better, more positive views. The poor lonely man. This book helped me see beyond all that and see the man for what I hope he was. Who knows the truth? Only a few people long gone, and I've come to realize that it doesn't' ruin Alice for me either way.

This book was ever-so-wonderful. It expanded the dreamworld of Alice. The author took the few known facts surrounding Alice Liddel's life, and common speculation, and wrote a beautifully heartbreaking story about a girl, and then woman, who lost her way along her life and was haunted by memories that she couldn't even remember. It was wonderful. It left me all dreamy for days after finishing it. FANTASTIC book! Favorite of the year so far!

Words to Live By

"As he died to make men holy, let us live to make men free." Battle Hymn of the Republic

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Tomorrow (or really today now) I embark on a new journey at church. I have been the Primary Chorister (singing time leader for children 3-11) for just over 2 years. That means I've survived 3 programs, 3 pianists (one of them twice), gained friends, watched others move away and a whole passel of kidlets. I had them sing this year's "anthem" for me one last time last week and started sobbing 3 lines in. I honestly think it was the best they'd sung it all year. The little ones looked a bit freaked out because how often do you see adults cry like that? It was time for a change, but I'm still gonna miss the little buggers.

Tomorrow/today I start as the Beehive advisor (girls 12 & 13). I'm very excited for this group. I've been told they're the biggest class of teens in our ward (congregation). For you non-LDS folk (if there even are really), we separate our boys and girls for usually the last hour of church (they still attend Sunday School together, and yes, we have 3 hours of church). In those groups we separate them again into 2 year blocks. So I have the youngest ones girls, fresh out of Primary. Because I've served in our ward so much in Primary I know all of the girls already somewhat. No new names really, but I get to get to know them much better now.

This change has inspired me to try and take my personal spiritual growth more seriously. I've always had a testimony of the gospel and never really questioned it. It has always made sense to me. I know some may find that to be a bit gullible or naive to just take, but I've had enough good experiences in my life and felt a closeness to my Savior enough that I've never really doubted. I guess it's just been a blessing in my life that way.

This really goes against most of what people would normally expect of me. I'm very sarcastic and can be rather crude if the situation allows. I need to work on that more. I feel like I'm going to have to be a better person so that I may be a better example to my girls now. This may be the change I needed to give myself a kick in the butt.

Until then, I'm giving a chastity lesson for my first run. Greeeaaat. Wish me luck!

Not perfect, but getting better

Wow. Just looked at my blog archive. I haven't posted much of anything the last 2 1/2 years really. I really place blame on Facebook & Twitter. Pixie Powered... what? Ha ha. We'll work on it. I think I averaged 1 1/2 posts per month last year. I'm just under 2 a month right now. Let's see if we can get it up to 3 by December. :)

I think part of it all is that I feel like nothing new is going on. I'm not even in school to discuss any more. We just run around with our crazy friends a lot and I constantly forget to use the camera that still resides in my purse. Gotta work on that one too I guess.

I cleaned up my blog roll to the side (it's just 1 big list again) and removed my archives links and some other link lists. I added a label cloud though. I like those types of visual representations better than an archive. I think the archive just makes me feel guilty.

That's about it for now. See you soon! (Hopefully)

Your Approval is Not Requested

Apparently my "coolness card" was revoked when I told someone that I went to see Eclipse at midnight. This came from another geek. I didn't know we were even allowed to give those out.

I thought the whole point of being a geek was liking what you wanted and not judging. This came from someone who worships 2 guys who write, basically, a gaming blog and plays a virtual version of Magic the Gathering. He met his one of his best friends growing up by figuring out that the other kid ALSO had an older brother that played D&D. They bonded over that. And now play regularly.

Dude, I love you and all, but your "cred" to hand out "coolness cards" is a little lacking. : )

I've found a lot of anti-Twilight resistance out in the geekdom lately. Maybe I'm just sick of feeling like I need to explain why I like it.

The Kindness of Strangers!

I went to go pump my gas today... And promptly locked my keys in the car. Only my ATM card was on me! I had gone inside to ask to use the phone to call Matt (because no one has Slim Jims anymore) and the guy that had been pumping gas next to me said that someone opened it for me!

I walked out and this BIG BEEFY guy had his pick-up pulled up behind me with his wife/girlfriend waving from the front seat. He was closing the toolbox on his truck & my door was open! I just thanked him over & over. He was very nice & said [Judy] had seen me trying to get in & thought I needed help. So I thanked all 3 of them & went off, back to work!

Something else to think about

Before I post this:

• I did not write this. It was sent to me as the usual email fwd usually is.
• I don't know ALL situations referred to, but have heard/know of many of them.
• I'm not claiming GWB was the best president by ANY MEANS (we all know that the best one in the last 50 years was Reagan after all)
• I'm leaving comments closed on this one because it's my blog and if you don't like it, don't read it. I'm not wasting time debating for something that I just found funny.

And now for the interesting point email that I got today...

If George W. was an idiot....

This is an eye opener - we need to pay closer attention to this president.

If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a teleprompter installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?

If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics,would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?

If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the non-existent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?

If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had stated that there were 57 states in the United States, would you have said that he is clueless?

If George W. Bush would have flown all the way to Denmark to make a five minute speech about how the Olympics would benefit him walking out his front door in Texas, would you have thought he was a self important, conceited, egotistical idiot?

If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?

If George W. Bush had misspelled the word "advice" would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and "potatoe" as proof of what a dunce he is?

If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?

If George W. Bush's administration had okay'd Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11?

If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans, would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?

If George W. Bush had created the position of 32 Czars who report directly to him, bypassing the House and Senate on much of what is happening in America, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?

If George W Bush had proposed to double the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?

So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive? Can't think of anything? Don't worry. He did all this, and more, in his first year as president- so you'll have three years to come up with an answer.

I'm still in shock

My heart hurts for our country. I stayed home from church with a stomach ache... and for the first time today, I actually feel like I'm going to throw up.

We hold these truths

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." Declaration of Independence by Thomas Jefferson

Free education is not a right. Free health care is not a right. Both items could technically fall under the 10th Amendment:

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

But they are not a Creator-given right (or if you don't believe in one/any, it's not a basic human necessity as pointed out by countless philosophers). Therefore, they have no place in our Federal government.

There. I said it.

One may try to argue that they fall under the "pursuit of happiness" clause. And yes, I agree, getting an education and having health care falls under that. BUT, that line is only saying that we have the right to go after those things. Not that we HAVE TO be GIVEN them. See the distinction?

The only thing this country is obligated to give me is life, liberty and the freedom to chase my dreams. Because THAT is the true American dream.

I'm not guaranteed to actually BE happy. I'm not guaranteed a car, house, job, marriage, education, white picket fence, food, money or anything else. I'm guaranteed the freedom it takes to go out and get a job, work for those things, pay for those things and try to enjoy the new advantages that those things I've worked for now give me.

That being said, another great American said something that needs to be repeated over and over these days. We've become a greedy nation. A nation with it's hand out, demanding a job, demanding money for food, for education, for doctors (for free!). Franklin and Jefferson didn't have those things given to them, why should I? They've done more for my life and everyone else in this country than any of us have ever, could ever, do for them. So to you out there, demanding that the government gives us these things I repeat back to you:

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country. President John F. Kennedy

Alice in Wonderland

It was everything I could have hoped for. I melted into the world that Tim created. Sucked into the music by Danny and just melted at the latest outcast that Johnny portrayed. Of all the previous Burdelfman movies I've seen, this may be my favorite.

Recap:
Edward Scissorhands (1990): May have been arguably my favorite previously, since it was the first. A modern-day fractured fairytale. A Frankenstein for an 80s world. *sigh*

Sleepy Hollow (1999): Another beloved movie of mine. I love Tim's spin on "period piece" and let's be honest, Christopher Walken? What isn't there to love?

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005): I don't care what anyone says, THIS is the Willie Wonka I wanted when I first saw Gene Wilder's version. GW does a great job, but Johnny is king. This version also put back in the squirrels that I loved so much... the geese were just sad.

Corpse Bride (2005): Venturing back into stop-motion animation after 12 years for Tim and Danny. They added in Johnny and came up with a cute movie. While I liked it a lot, it was easily the weakest of the (now) five.

Alice in Wonderland (2010): Wow. I saw it last night and I'm still floating from the afterglow. It's my favorite children's story (followed VERY closely by Harry Potter... like millimeters). I did a full report on it for my children's literature class based off the top of my head. I'm obsessed with that poor, confused little girl. This movie just sucked me into it's story and I basked in the score, the art design, the characters, the vision.

I cannot say it enough: Thank you Tim, Johnny & Danny. Your wonderful streak continues. The wait was well worth it.

Name Abbreviations

In high school, my girlfriends all had shortened 3-letter nicknames. Meg, Mia, Dot, Bob, Kim, Dez, Jen, Shy, Bon... you get the idea. We all thought it looked cute written out that way. I dunno why, but we did.

Now, all my name shorthand seems to be based on couples. Only if they're funny. Matthew's whole family has a set: M&M, T&A, S&M, A&M and H&M. Trena and Aaron are the weirdos with no M, but their children will shortly become M&M Minis. Once they have more or Matthew and I have kids, I'll be taking that one back.

Assorted married friends include: PJ, The SS, J&B and A-Ha. Can you think up one for you? Or guess who you are?

Am I weird?

Gut instinct says a resounding "Yes!" but this is a specific question.

I don't remember my dreams very often, bit I usually remember WHO was in them if it's someone I know. And when I have celebrities in them its a total tame thing. I really can only clearly remember 2 celebrities even showing up. Johnny Depp did about 2 years ago, and Nathan Fillion has featured a lot lately.

When Johnny showed up, I was totally star struck & couldn't talk to him really. He was very cool and personable and just an all around nice guy (which I've heard before in the real world). There was a play at church or something and he was helping out (?).


Nathan Fillion is that "ruggedly handsome" goofball he plays in Castle & Firefly. In those dreams I had run into him at this crazy 100 story hotel that seems to be the center of my dreams lately. I've never been there before or seen it on TV or movies so I'm fairly its a composite of several places or totally made up in my head. Anyway, this hotel always has a lot of weird stuff happening in it. I cant remember particulars but I feel like its a TV series crossed between Indiana Jones and the TV show Las Vegas. Nathan has been randomly popping up to help out on various adventures. He showed up again during my nap and we discussed Twitter. Not only was he aware of me following him, but he had visited my Twitter page a few times.

Who dreams that? Talk about a dork! Most people have "fantasy" dreams. My celebrity crushes turn out to be normal people, and we just chill. Whatever. I still don't wanna wake up from them. :D

I'm Only Happy When It Rains

You know that song by Garbage? Yeah, I've always joked that it was about me, but now I'm really beginning to wonder. I have felt so uninspired lately. Ideas come, but I lack the enthusiasm to start projects. NOW, when it's pouring like it hasn't since I was in high school, all I wanna do is craft. I've got all these awesome ideas whirling around in my head with no where to go. I'm going to be a crafting maniac!

What's in a Name?

So, I was thinking about baby names, as I often do. When there are no children in your immediate future, these thoughts float into your head sometimes. Well, mine anyway.

I was just thinking today, how much I like the name Hermione. I'd never use it, for obvious reasons, but I really like it. It makes me resent Harry Potter a little, but then I realize that I can't too much, because I may never had come across the name without it in the first place. I just think it's a pretty name.

Edward and Jacob have been ruined for me too. They've been on my "list" for years... thanks Twilight. (Isa)Bella wasn't on my list but would have been considered before now as well. Besides, if I'm gonna name my kid after a vampire, it'd either be Mick St. John or Louis. None of this sparkly glittery crap. :) Or for an immortal being in general I really like Connor or Duncan.

I think I got the need for normal but not popular names from my mom. She named me with the thought that I'd have a name that everyone had heard, but there weren't a million kids running around with it. That was November of '81. The Thorn Birds hit in March of '83. Whoops! Lots of Megans now.

She did it again for Roxanne, my sister. 8 years had passed since The Police song, but I think it had more staying power than she realized. My sister has had EVERYONE under the sun sing that song to her. I think she embraces it now, but I KNOW she hated it as a kid, even before she knew what the song meant. At least all of my mom's kids managed to escape having to have an initial permanently attached to their first name. I don't think I was ever referred to as "Meghan B" growing up. Well, unless it was "Meghan is a B." :)

What names are "ruined" for you?

For you Kristie

I was informed today that I need to update my blog more often. *I <3 you Kristie*

The thing is, I don't really have anything to write about. No kids, no more school stress or assignments, work blogs get you fired and so all that leaves is the drama with my personal friends. Now, I don't like to keep drama in my life... so the drama that DOES exist, is their drama that I hear all about and like to laugh at.

So where do I start? Sell out my best friends (other than Matthew of course... that just goes without saying)? Allen is single and needs a woman... takers? Malia is single and needs a man... takers? No, I cannot hook them up together, they're incompatible in SO many ways I can't even begin to go there. To simplify: Allen is a staunch Republican and thinks that all Dems are evil. Malia disagrees on both points. We'll leave it at that. I could go into their drama, but that mislays their trust in me... good friends don't do that.

I could write about being in another friend's wedding in January... but what to say? We threw the shower last month. I got my dress... my boobs are too big to fit. I'm screwed. The end. :)

Anything else? Nope, I think I'm good. :)

Hello my baby...

Hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal. Send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire!

I loved that frog growing up.

These days are finding me buried in wedding stuff and TV. We go walking twice a week and now have a stationary bike to use on non walking days. I found I can play my favorite FaceBook Game, Pack Rat, while doing the bike. ;) Multi-tasking is awesome!

Not much else to report. I'll check in again when there is! :)

Censorship

So, maybe I wasn't totally censored, but you decide.

I've got lots of friends. (Most people do, so I'm not tooting my horn I'm just stating the obvious I guess.) I was out with a few of them on Saturday night with Matthew. Four of us met at a house and decided where we were going, called the 5th on our way out the door to meet him there (Macaroni Grill). We got there first and put our names in while we waited for #5 to show. While we were waiting, #5 calls and says that his younger brother is supposed to take his "just friends" girl friend to a MG tonight too. We laughed and said it'd be funny if they ended up at the one we were going to and blew it off.

#5 shows up, our table comes up, we get seated. We're sitting for like 2 minutes when in walks younger #5 (now known as mini) and his "non-date." They're brought right past our table on their way to theirs and don't see us. And they're WHAT? They're holding hands.

"Just Friends" guys don't take "just friends" girls to MG by themselves and hold hands. Just saying.

So what do we do? What any mature group of late 20's people in this day and age do. We text bombed mini. We told him our own variations of "Just friends don't hold hands." He texts #5 back wanting to know where we were. We were in another room, but there was a fireplace in between that Matthew could see mini though. So Matt texts mini to say "I can see you."

Okay so we're done right? Not quite. There's a lovely young lady wandering around the place who had a lovely operatic voice. We had her go sing Josh Groban's You Raise Me Up to them. Our waitress was awesome and took a picture.

THEN we left them alone. We ate and left. As we were loading back into the cars, mini & date came out. They made some jokes about it... including her comment "you were making him be a bad date." (We think in reference to his texting)

We went along our merry little way. I posted the picture on Facebook in a Friends only album, tagged mini & date with some smart-arse caption like "Just friends? Really? Holding hands... yeah."

So then I was told to take it down. For what? Stealth dating is lame. Everyone else already knows you're dating, even if you two don't seem to know. Not my problem. I took it down to keep the peace, but I'm not happy about it.

To the girl in question: I like you, you're really nice and a lot of fun... but so is mini. You really should ADMIT that you're dating him. It's crap that you're either too ashamed or embarrassed to admit to dating such a great guy. He deserves someone that will be excited to tell people that he asked them out or, at the very least, doesn't care if she's seen in public with him.

To mini: you know all this already. Can't keep my mouth shut completely, it's the mama bear kicking in.